Rayna Neises: [00:00:00] Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God even in the season of life. Today I’m excited to introduce you to Joy Cots. Joy’s, an author and speaker whose heart’s desire is to help others know Jesus more.

She has a passion for God’s word and his people, and longs to help others learn to live the abundance of eternal life. Now on this side of heaven. Joy writes and teaches Bible studies as well as speaks for ministry events and retreats. She’s been married to her high school sweetheart for 30 years and lives in northwest Indiana.

She’s a mama to three adult kids and a Mimi to two precious grandkids. In addition to writing, she enjoys reading, camping, and every moment with her family. Welcome. Joy is so glad to have you here today.

Joy Kats: Thank you so much. I’m glad to be here.

Rayna Neises: Oh, I just have to [00:01:00] say, those grandkids are the best, aren’t they?

Joy Kats: I said I had two, but one is coming in the next two weeks.

Rayna Neises: Oh, that’s so exciting.

Joy Kats: yes, we have a granddaughter and our grandson is coming here in a couple of weeks, so, yes, very excited.

Rayna Neises: Yes, we just got a new grandson in December. They’re so much fun. Well, Joy, share with us a little bit about what your caregiving season look like.

Joy Kats: When I saw your post about, caregiving, I immediately thought of my dad and, I cared for him. It, it felt longer, but it was really only, three months. He had injured himself, and he went to the doctor for a compression fracture in his back and ended up being diagnosed with congestive heart failure. In the midst of all that he and my mom were divorced and he lived alone. And so I became his primary caregiver. In what ended up being the last, three months of his life?

Rayna Neises: Wow.

Joy Kats: yeah, so not expected, even when he passed so soon that even though he was very sick, it was still, unexpected. But [00:02:00] yeah, it took me off guard, but, it was a good. Season as well if caregiving can be a good season.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, it sounds like too, that it was kind of surprising that you would end up in that role. And I think so many times when our parents or even when our loved ones are healthy, we don’t really talk about, you know, what’s it gonna look like if you need care? And so it sounds like that was probably a little surprising too, that we went from an injury to this dependence and then actually walking him all the way home.

Joy Kats: Yeah, we actually thought, longer term we would maybe have a home that could accommodate him if need be, but I knew that he would kicking and screaming ’cause he loved his independence and his house in his garden and all the things. But yeah, it did take us off guard a little bit and, you know, I shared with you a little bit about the whole kidney journey and, just how God tucked that season into, what the other things that he was calling me to do and other ways that he was calling me to care for others. And was just very good in the way that he timed all of that too.[00:03:00]

Rayna Neises: Yeah, it’s always surprising because to us it’s all, well, it is surprising, I remind myself a lot, none of this is a surprise to God. He knew it all, but it seems like these events don’t seem like they make a whole lot of sense or not what you expected. Share with everybody a little bit about the kidney situation.

Joy Kats: Oh, okay. So, I just happened to be on Facebook and saw a need. Somebody had created a page that there was somebody that was in need of a kidney. It was actually a man from our church. and I didn’t know him. I knew his brother. I had this really weird, sense to consider a donation, which again, very surprising.

Like, I am not a risk taker. I am not, I didn’t go looking for any of that. And the fact that it was even impressed upon my heart, shocked me, I think more than anybody else. My father-in-law is a kidney transplant, recipient. And so I know what an incredible blessing it’s been to our family to still have him here because he got his kidney right after my husband and I got married almost 30 years ago. And so I did start just praying about it [00:04:00] and, had that hard conversation with my husband and, he was incredibly supportive, which he always is. And so I kind of started, I, I reached out to the family. I, did the initial testing and then, you know, wait, hurry up and wait. And then it was determined that, he had built up too many antibodies and that I was not a match like his body would not accept my kidney. And so over the course of those few months of all the, you know, the praying and the testing and the waiting, then, I was actually shocked at how disappointed I was it didn’t work out. And I thought, God, why would you do me, lead me to do something so big, so radical, and then it not work out.

Like I just couldn’t, I couldn’t wrap my head around it, but I mean, there’s nothing I could really do, but let it go. Right? So. I let it go, but as I went back and kinda looked through the timeline in my journal at the time, I was like, I don’t think God’s done with this, but I, I had nothing to go on, just, you know, an inkling.

And so [00:05:00] it was just a couple months after that, I think it was March or April that I got the news. I wasn’t a match. And then in June, my dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Had I had that surgery, I never would’ve been able to care for my dad. so a good friend, I’ll never forget, she said to me, Joy, see that God did not allow you to give your kidney because he knew he was gonna be asking you to give of yourself in a very different way. And so I have found in my life that when God calls me to do big, unexpected things, I’m quicker to jump on board than sometimes with the obedience in the normal everyday things. it was like God saying, okay, I’m calling you to do this in obedience to honor your dad, to care for your dad and what I’m gonna show you in this is going to prepare you. And then it was like my dad passed in September then the following May or June, [00:06:00] I was like just finishing up all of my responsibilities as the executor of his estate I came across a need for another man from our church who needed a kidney. Same process. It just didn’t take me as long ’cause I’d already prayed through it on the front

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Joy Kats: and this time I was a match.

And so that following November I was able to donate a kidney to him and he’s doing great and the experience has been amazing. But I look back and just see how God was, protecting me and caring for me and preparing me all in these, like in the seemingly unrelated things of

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: all part of the plan. so it was all caregiving, but just in a very different ways.

Rayna Neises: And that’s so amazing. And you said, it’s easier to respond in the big things because you know they’re big and so you’re kind of like, okay, Lord, help me say yes ’cause this is what I know you’re calling me to. But those little things are, are easy to overlook, but I love how [00:07:00] He orchestrated it all so that the big led to the sea wing small initially that turned big in that whole process of losing your dad and then having to deal with the estate and all of those things, which oh, is a another thing to talk about. Right? And then to be able to walk into that need for this other gentleman. I mean, it’s just, amazing how God orchestrates it all, and I’m amazed over and over again at how much I think I know and how little I really do.

Joy Kats: Absolutely. But it’s so cool to look back and be like, oh yeah. I mean, you were like right there all along. It was nothing, like you said, nothing is surprise to you, God,

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: got this and you know exactly what you’re doing. Like why do I, why do I doubt?

Rayna Neises: And he also knows kind of how to get us there. I mean, he knew that if we just said, you know, you’re gonna do this, you’d be like, oh no, I’m not. So it’s that whole process of getting us to the yes that we know we need to have. But it is, it’s never a state straight path For sure.

So [00:08:00] well share with us a favorite caregiving story or time with your dad as you were caring for him.

Joy Kats: Oh goodness. I think overall, just the fact that he and I were able to have one-on-one time, that we had never had before. He was emotionally distant when I was growing up. There was a lot of history from his family of origin that contributed to that, but we weren’t close then. My parents divorced when I was 25 and pregnant with my daughter. It was after their divorce that I actually got to know my dad in a different way and in a way that I probably never would’ve had he and my mom stayed married. Which was a weird blessing in the midst of all that, as I was caregiving, I’m just in his house and, one-on-one time that we just never had and I probably wouldn’t have if I wasn’t in that position. Just being able to spend that time and to see him in his space when he wasn’t feeling good, he was always, wanting to get out in the garden and mess with the flowers I just got to see him in a different [00:09:00] light.

And I really appreciated the opportunity to do that. A specific memory that I wouldn’t necessarily call my favorite, but as I keep thinking about this question, it stands out to me is. When he was in the hospital, he, you know, that they were, doing all the caretaking there and the sponge baths and whatever, and he always wore these dark, like knee, black knee

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: They pulled his knee socks off and he had like this really nasty on his toenail, like it was super long and infected. And so they took care of that. But then when they got him home, like he still had to keep, you know, dealing with it. And so I just remember there was one day that I literally just washed his feet

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Joy Kats: and it wasn’t fun, but it was memorable in my mind because it was such a humbling moment for me and I think for him

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: To sit in the chair and just let me. his feet and rub lotion on his feet. And, I don’t know why that, I mean [00:10:00] that just,

Rayna Neises: Right.

Joy Kats: It was very impactful

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Joy Kats: And just the opportunity to just serve like Jesus in that moment.

I.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah. It’s such an ama, it puts a whole different, level of understanding of what Jesus did. And here, you know, we are here and LT anyway. And so just bringing that to life at a level that we just, you hadn’t experienced before, of just really serving to that point and knowing, you know, he calls us to that.

That’s, that’s what we’re supposed to do to that point. And it’s not something that we think we should. Right?

Joy Kats: Yeah.

Rayna Neises: it’s challenging. So that’s, it’s a beautiful picture, but I. I think, and like you said on his part, just being humbled to a point of having to allow someone else to take care of a need like that.

That’s part of what walking them all the way home is, to me, is just being so aware of. How great their need is, that they’re at this dependent level that they’ve never, they haven’t been in since they were an infant, [00:11:00] you know, of being so dependent on other people. And I think that’s what’s so beautiful and so important about caregiving, is having the heart to be able to step into those moments and honor them, by caring for them in a way that, keeps their, dignity and, and honors them.

So what would be something that surprised you about caregiving other than that you had to do it.

Joy Kats: Well, I’m, to be honest, when this first all came about, I was angry.

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Joy Kats: Because in my mind it was another layer of grief over my parents’ divorce. ’cause I thought I shouldn’t have to do this. I have kids at home, I have my own responsibilities, like my mom should be doing this. But this wasn’t the reality, you know? And so I didn’t really have a choice, but I also probably have wanted it to be another, you know, I don’t know. It’s a weird, it’s just kind of a weird thing. I was surprised by how much I ended up treasuring it because I, stepped into it like, [00:12:00] ugh, I don’t want to do this and I shouldn’t have to do this. And then it was like, thank you Lord. I get to do this. He grew up in an alcoholic home. Obviously his marriage to my mom wasn’t great. They got divorced. And so I had this opportunity to just love him, maybe in a way that he’d never been loved before.

I don’t

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Joy Kats: But it just became really, really special to me. My kids ended up getting a closer relationship with him too, and saw him in a different light as well. And so I was just surprised that I enjoyed it as much as I did, even though it was hard and gross sometimes, you know, like

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: dealing with all the things.

God’s good that way

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: I do still to this day, treasure the opportunity that I had to do that.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. I think it is one of those things that, that’s what’s so beautiful about it is how it just changes things no matter what your childhood was, or no matter what your relationship with your parent was, I think it is interesting how when they become so [00:13:00] dependent on us, how we see them differently, how we get that time that we would never have had, I remember my sister.

Had my niece and she and her husband invited my dad and I to go on vacation and no, he wasn’t diagnosed at that point, but we just had so much fun spending a week together of, you know, just having fun. And after it was over with, I thought, gosh, I haven’t done that since I was a kid, you know, just spent.

Unlimited time with my dad and enjoyed that time until caregiving came years later of, you know, need. That need became so huge. And again, the memories and the time that we spent together, we would never have spent together if it wasn’t for that need. And so it is not easy. And there are lots of unfun parts, but there are also very beautiful parts whenever we, we take the time to notice ’em.

And so that’s what I like to encourage people to do is stop and think, you know what is happening now? How are you enjoying the person that you’re [00:14:00] caring for? And when was the last time you had a good laugh? Those opportunities are there. We just have to make sure we see them.

Joy Kats: Yeah, and God was good in the, like you said, he died unexpectedly over the holiday weekend. But prior to that, that Thursday before he passed, we got all got together to go out for my, I have twin boys and we went to dinner for their 16th birthday.

Rayna Neises: fun.

Joy Kats: so we got to celebrate their 16th birthday.

And it was the first time that my dad got to meet my daughter’s then boyfriend, who is now her husband. And so, you know, he just wanted to make sure, like he’s a good one, right.

Rayna Neises: That’s good.

Joy Kats: the fact that, he got to meet Colin and, we got to celebrate the boy’s birthday and then he passed just a few days later. it was just, it was really tender and really special. I was really glad that he, we all got to experience that together.

Rayna Neises: Alright. So I know, there’s lots in this question, so what would be one thing you can offer to encourage people to [00:15:00] live content, love well, or care without regrets?

Joy Kats: Oh, all of the above. I think honestly, just what I’m trying to do is be faithful to what God’s putting in front of me today.

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Joy Kats: The people, the situations. I tend to wanna jump ahead and like, have everything figured out

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Joy Kats: As if I could actually do that. But instead to just be faithful to what he’s putting in front of me today so that I’m not missing those opportunities.

That at the end of the day I have no regrets with how I cared for people, how I used the opportunities that God gave me. Obviously I don’t do this perfectly, but, the no regrets has been a motto for good portion of my adult life. I wanna get to the end of my life and know that I lived it to the fullest and that I don’t have regrets. And so, yeah, I mean that is kind of an all encompassing question and my answer is kind of broad, but, [00:16:00] yeah, what he puts in front of me every day might be different. Just being faithful to that and not. overlooking the small things that he puts in front of me because I’m looking for something bigger or

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Joy Kats: or, just being obedient in those, in those everyday things.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. And a girl left my own heart who actually thinks about not having regrets ’cause so many people that I say that to.

Joy Kats: So.

Rayna Neises: You know, it is so important and it’s not about being perfect. It’s not about always doing it right. It’s about making the adjustment so that you can forgive yourself, forgive others, and move forward and know that, there’s not a whole lot of things you’re holding onto that you wish were different.

And for me that’s, I think caregiving can be filled with those things if we don’t really focus on that forgiveness piece and just being obedient the next time. You know, he calls us each step and it’s okay if we fall because he’s right there to help us up again. But at the same time, you know, if we aren’t really seeking to continue to, have that confidence of no [00:17:00] regrets, then we’re gonna do things without intention, which is gonna put us in a place where we’re gonna have regrets.

Please. That’s my little sermon on it.

Joy Kats: I also feel like, especially when it comes to a season of caregiving, is to remember that it’s a season.

Rayna Neises: Yes.

Joy Kats: And like mine was short. I know yours was a lot longer.

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: But it is a season and I think it helps to put that in perspective. Like this isn’t gonna be the reality forever. And it’s gonna be hard, but it’s a season and so whatever is happening in this season is for a reason and it’s gonna prepare us for what’s coming in the next season.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, definitely. And that’s what remind in your, in your story of talking about being prepared to, to give your kidney and then not, you know, it was like those were little pieces of the seasons that kind of came together for this season that you’ve experienced with your dad, and then who knows what season’s coming later of caregiving.

But it’s one of those. Things that, it does help. I think one of the hardest things about [00:18:00] seasons is that we on a calendar, have a date that we know it’s gonna be over. And when we’re caregiving, we don’t have any idea. But those of you that live in the United States, we have seasons that don’t really care.

The, the weather’s not paying attention anyway, so we weather’s been 81 day and 30 the next. Yeah, we think we know what a season looks like. We don’t even know what the actual weather seasons look like. So that’s a lot of what caregiving looks like. So our last question is, what would be one thing that you’d like to share with other caregivers?

Maybe in the beginning of the caregiving season or in the middle that just encouragement for them.

Joy Kats: Oh goodness. I would say, I know it sounds cliche, but keep your eyes on Jesus. If he’s called you into this, there’s reason for it and there’s purpose in it, so if you’re looking beyond the circumstances in front of you and, looking to him [00:19:00] to give you wisdom and strength,

you can’t do caregiving without the strength of the Lord, that’s for sure. Keep your eyes on him and allow him to do the work in you that he’s wanting to do. Even as you’re giving, allow him to fill you up as you’re pouring out, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Joy Kats: Yeah.

Rayna Neises: it’s so good because keeping our eyes on him is where we get that strength. And he does pour, he is faithful to pour in, so we have some to pour out. When we don’t stay close and we are trying to do it of our own, then the cup gets empty fast. And so we definitely need to spend that time getting filled up.

I know Joy, that you’re an author, you’ve written some Bible studies. Tell us a little bit about where, we could find your Bible studies or a little bit more about you.

Joy Kats: My Bible studies are available on my website, www.joykats.com also on Amazon. As far as other things about me, I’m regularly teaching Bible study at my church [00:20:00] and, I also speak for women’s events and retreats and conferences and things. Excited about opportunity to, continue sharing what God is doing in my life and what he’s given me to reveal from his word, through teaching Bible studies and all those kinds of things. So, more information about me at my website.

Rayna Neises: Very good. So www.joykats.com. Thank you so much for joining us today and sharing a little picture into your caregiving season.

Joy Kats: I appreciate it. Glad to be here.

Rayna Neises: Thank you, listeners for joining us today for Stories of Hope With Joy. A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets.

If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation