Rayna Neises: [00:00:00] Welcome. This is Rayna Neises , your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God even in this season. Today, I’m excited to introduce you to our special guest, Ramona Torres. Ramona is a devoted daughter, wife, mother, and grandmother, with a deep passion for sharing her faith and encouraging others.

A native of Newark, New Jersey. She has dedicated her life to serving her community through her various ministries. Ramona, the founder and host of Girlfriends Talking, a platform that fosters connection and support among women. She’s also recently started a chapter of Save One Abortion Recovery to provide healing and hope. In addition to her work at a local jail where she serves as treasurer and as a committee member at the Franklin County Jail, Ramona facilitates bible studies to share the love of God. Through her work she continues to make a [00:01:00] meaningful impact on the lives of those that she serves. Welcome Ramona. Thank you so much for being here today.

Ramona Torres: Thank you for having me. It is a pleasure and a honor to be here with you.

Rayna Neises: Well start out by introducing us to your dad and tell us a little bit about what that caregiving season looked like for you.

Ramona Torres: Oh goodness. So my dad, his name was Angel. Everybody knew him as Manuel or Manny. Oh, he was an amazing father, amazing husband, amazing grandfather, best friend to my husband Taking care of him after an accident, he fell and broke a femur bone and just didn’t really recover after that, about 15 months, I took care of him in my home. The last. Week of his life, we decided to put him on hospice for pain management. What I thought was gonna be for pain management, and little did I know, we put him on hospice Monday night and Sunday, afternoon, actually. He was gone.

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Ramona Torres: [00:02:00] And so that was hard.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. So hard. Our timing is not God’s timing, is it? Because we would never let go if we had a choice,

Ramona Torres: It’s not, I never thought that at such a early age, I’m 55, so I guess I would’ve been 53, that I would, not have my father around forever. You know, sometimes we take our parents for granted

Rayna Neises: mm-hmm.

Ramona Torres: and, we don’t realize that when God says their time is up, there’s nothing that we can do to stop that.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. It’s so hard for our hearts to be prepared for that. You know, when I think of that, and I think of the grief that comes along with losing parents, I always just remind myself that we have never known life without them. And so it’s normal for us to not be able to understand what it’s like because they’ve always been a part of our lives and so we don’t expect to have to live without them, though. That’s the normal they’re older, it’s going to happen. We just aren’t ready for it.

Ramona Torres: Absolutely. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for that. [00:03:00] Knowing family members that have passed before, like, grandparents and aunts and uncles and people in our community, is one thing, but I think it hits home when it’s a parent. I kind of felt like, I have an orphan spirit, although I know, you know, God has not left me nor forsaken me.

He’s my father, but of felt like an orphan there for a little bit, and then life goes on. people go on. I went back to work and, there was work to do and I remember sitting at my desk just crying like. going on here? Like, am I expected to be, you know, back at work and,

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: And so I remember sitting at my desk for days after he passed and I went back to work. I took probably about two weeks off. I remember sitting at my desk just crying and just crying and thinking, and, you know, life goes on and, but meanwhile you’re kind of just stuck in your grief.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, it’s tough. And even in times of caregiving, there’s that grief of what they can’t be what they once were. [00:04:00] I know with him with that leg break that really changed what his life looked like and how you were supporting him before then. There’s different seasons of it and it definitely looks different, but, there, and there’s grief in each piece of it, I think.

Ramona Torres: Yes. After that fall, my dad had had a car accident on 2001 and he survived that. By the grace of God, he was in the hospital for 11 and a half months.

Rayna Neises: Wow.

Ramona Torres: And yeah. And so people were surprised that he survived that. But I can see the hand of God, uh, in that process. My father then gave his life to the Lord, and, passed away, and so we moved him from New Jersey to Maryland.

From Maryland to Pennsylvania. He helped me raise my daughter. My daughter understands and speaks Spanish today, thanks to my dad. And, when she was old enough to kind of fend for herself and he didn’t have to take her to school anymore or drop things off at the school or show up for functions at the school when I couldn’t. He decided to go to Puerto Rico and care for some of his siblings, and so he [00:05:00] caretaker for his siblings and for a brother-in-law until they all, finally passed. He has, two sisters in New York, one in a nursing home in the Bronx, one in Brooklyn, and then one brother left in Puerto Rico. And so when the last sister passed away, we said, dad, we think it’s time for you to come home because we can tell that his health was declining and he wasn’t quite ready to come back to the cold weather in Pennsylvania and. Give me a couple more months and I promise you that I’ll call you so that you can get my airline ticket. And that never happened because

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Ramona Torres: 23rd, I got a phone call, he had fallen. And and I got a call at work from my dad’s telephone and I said, hello, hello, hello. And there was nothing. I could hear the wind and I could hear. Cars passing and the phone had fallen out of his hand when he tried to call me. And so it was too far for him to be able to talk into the phone. And so I couldn’t hear him and he couldn’t hear me and I thought, oh, it was one of those calls. Mistake calls. Surely [00:06:00] he will call me back and I. When I called him, the line was busy, and then I knew something wasn’t right. And, on my way, from work to my home, my brother called me and says, Hey, have you heard from, from dad? And I said, well, you know, it’s funny. He, he, he called me today and I think it was one of those butt calls, I mistaken. And he said, no, it was dad. He fell and he broke his femur bone. And, they’re taking him for surgery as we speak. And so that was December 23rd. And my brother made me make a promise he said, I’ll fly out on Christmas Day, but you have to get there because I’m not changing any diapers and I. But we, we, we’ve got this, I could change a diaper. And so I flew out December 31st and we were with my dad until January 15th that they were able to remove his sutures and then we flew back to Pennsylvania From there, he went into a rehab for 24, 25 days and then we brought him home and, yeah. And so my dad’s story, was one [00:07:00] of, a man that loved his family, gave his life to the Lord, became an evangelist at the end of his life. Talking to everyone, family members, friends, even his ex-wife, my mother, about giving her life to Christ. And so, it’s an honor to be able to, to share his story with you.

Rayna Neises: I love that. That’s so amazing. So share with us a favorite caregiving story here. He is living in your home and you’re needing to take care of him in a way you never imagined. Share something with us about him,

Ramona Torres: Oh

Rayna Neises: how that.

Ramona Torres: In taking care of him, we had a lot of moments. So there’s this one time where. He looks over to me and he smiles and he says, you know, I never thought that you would be the one taking care of me in the end of my life. I was the youngest of four and I was a surprise baby. My father had three children, with my mom. They had just purchased a home and they weren’t planning on having any more children, but the Lord had other plans.

My mother lost her birth control and, found out she was pregnant, shared with my dad. And so, [00:08:00] when he shares the story that, you know, you were the, the child that we didn’t want or that we didn’t know we needed, and it’s funny how life is because God knew that you would be the one taking care of me.

Rayna Neises: That’s so amazing. I love how God knows how to provide. And so many times as caregivers, we find ourselves one of many children and not everyone responds the same to caregiving and the need for care with our parents. And so it’s a blessing that he had you and that he definitely was able to rely on you in those last days.

Ramona Torres: Thank you. Thank you. It was an honor. You know, the Bible, there’s a scripture that says, honor your mother and your father and the Lord. And, my parents are from Puerto Rico. And so we literally take that, that you honor your parents. And so we don’t believe, most of us don’t believe in nursing homes, and I know it’s not, uh, easy and I know. it’s not the case where everyone can afford to do that, right? And so if your parent is in a nursing home, you [00:09:00] know, I don’t want you to feel guilty. You have to do what’s best for your family. But for us, keeping him home, was definitely, something that God laid on our heart and he equipped us because we did it.

And thanks to my brother and thanks to my husband and my children, they all helped out and pitched in when they could.

Rayna Neises: So tell us, what would be one thing you would say was most surprising about that caregiving role for you?

Ramona Torres: The most surprising? Hmm. Well, initially, you know, I thought, okay, this is something that, I gotta do ’cause I’m his daughter, right? It’s my responsibility. But over time it became, um. What I would say, a journey of learning. I learned patience. Sometimes it wasn’t easy to care for my dad.

Rayna Neises: [00:10:00] Mm-hmm. Yes.

Ramona Torres: my father because here was, you know, this man that I knew him to be six two, two hundred and fifty pounds. Shrink away to, if he was 112 pounds was a lot. He was

Rayna Neises: Um.

Ramona Torres: Skin and bones, and so it was hard to see. Very hardworking, great work ethic. He taught us work ethic. My dad didn’t believe in, taking a break. He was always doing something around, my home cutting grass, trimming the bushes.

He would cook for us. I mean, anything, that we needed done, he would do out of love. And so it was a journey for me to learn to be patient with him. There was times where he would get a urinary tract infection and his

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Ramona Torres: would go crazy

Rayna Neises: Yes.

Ramona Torres: This is it. I’m losing my dad. Does he have Alzheimer’s? Does he have dementia? Like, what’s going on? And obviously I take him into the emergency room and that’s how I learned that a UTI could do that. But,

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: so it was a journey, I thought [00:11:00] I had it all together and there were days where I’d become frustrated and I’d lose my patience. And so I would say that, that that was a time that I, I learned a lot, the challenges were moments that were frustrating, there were moments that were overwhelming. There were moments where I’m thinking, where are my siblings? I shouldn’t be doing this on my own.

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: But, the connection was, the biggest thing for me. I was able to connect with my father in a way, that I had never connected with him before.

There were teachable moments, he shared his life with me. He shared stories, you know, at the end of life, material things don’t mean anything, right?

Rayna Neises: Right.

Ramona Torres: him was his children, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren. He desired to be with family. So it taught me a lot about myself.

It taught me that I am resilient, right? It taught me the true meaning of selfless love, and it was just a humbling experience that just [00:12:00] surprises me every day that I was able to go through it, because there were days where it was tough, but God got us through it.

Rayna Neises: Oh, that’s a perfect question. My next question is share with us one time specifically when you just knew God really showed up for you in the middle of it.

Ramona Torres: Oh, goodness gracious. Um. When he showed up for me. Well, I have to say, the entire time taking care of my dad, I know that it was the hand of God. At the end of my dad’s life, I put him in hospice on a Monday, Saturday night, he woke up and ’cause he had gotten into a deep sleep Saturday, he woke up and he said, Ramona, well Mona, he called me Mona.

He said, Mona, I’m dying. For him to know that to me, if you don’t believe that there’s a God. I don’t know what else to tell you, but

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: got up and he said, Mona, I’m dying. Take care of the blanket. It was a knitted blanket that the nurses had given him. They had prayed over it, and he looked over at my husband and he fist bumped him and said, I love you.

This was a thing they did at night, every [00:13:00] night before they went

Rayna Neises: Oh.

Ramona Torres: They would tell each other that they loved each other, and then he laid back and he fell asleep Sunday morning when I woke up and I went to check on him, I noticed his color wasn’t right and his breathing was heavy, and I knew that, something wasn’t right. So, run up to take a shower, tell my husband to keep an eye on him. And I said, Lord, don’t let him suffer. But if you’re gonna take him today, let me be with him when he takes his last breath and I can almost see the hand of God just like writing. gotcha Ramona. You’ll be there at it. And sure enough, I had my shower changed, came down, had some friends that had come to visit my dad and said, let me go check on my dad and I’ll be back.

And I noticed that his mouth was dry and I took a little bit of water with a little scrubby thing that the nurses left for me.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Ramona Torres: looked like a straw with a little sponge at the end. And I wiped his mouth and my dad took two breaths and passed. And so, [00:14:00] I knew in that moment God had been with me the whole time.

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: day when he heard my heart, don’t let my father die by himself, although I know he wouldn’t be dying by himself. ’cause obviously God was with him. But when I asked him let me be with him, when he takes his last breath, he granted me that wish. And so yeah, that

Rayna Neises: Yeah, he’s so faithful. Even in the hard, it is so hard, but it’s such a blessing to see the faithfulness of God and to be able to remind everyone else who’s wherever they are in their season, that he’s right there with them and he is listening to those prayers and those things that we ask of him. So thank you for encouraging us with that.

Ramona Torres: Yes.

Rayna Neises: What would be one thing that you could share with us of how you live Content. Love well, or care without regrets. 

Ramona Torres: So I would say, since my dad’s passing his, his taking care of him in passing, I’ve learned a lot in life. Life is short. We’re not promised [00:15:00] tomorrow. We know these things,

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: a loved one pass, and you get to live the last season of their life. Things start to click. And so, in the midst of any challenges now, I just try to just take time to just pause and reflect on the blessings that God has given me.

You know, my home, my husband, my children, my grandchildren, the fact that I can wake up today breathing. And I have a breath in my lungs. And, that God still has a purpose and a plan for me today. Right? And so it’s the small things, the opportunities to be present for loved ones. The times that I could just pick up the phone and just call someone and give them a word of encouragement, you know, I try to maintain, a positive outlook on life, I try to stay grounded. I try to approach each day with a sense of purpose and appreciation for those around me. My father had a best friend, Don Luis Vega. Who, was like [00:16:00] a father to us. And so when my dad passed, I made it a point to go to New Jersey to visit him in the nursing home a couple occasions, and to call him on Sundays to let him know that he was loved, that he was wanted, that he was needed, that he was cared for. And so, I’m more intentional now,

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Ramona Torres: after my grandfather passed away shortly after my grandmother passed away.

And so, I try to be intentional with relationships. Now, it just reminds me that, we’re on a journey and we can choose to focus on the good, we could choose to focus on the bad. I’m choosing to focus on loving, and in growing, every day in my love for others. For my family members, for people in my community, and just reminding folks that, you know, there’s older people in nursing homes that maybe don’t have family members that visit. Go out and visit someone at a nursing home, you know, pick up that phone and call someone and let ’em know that, especially the older people. [00:17:00] Right. They’re so wise. I love to sit with older people. They’re so wise. There’s so many stories that one day we won’t hear anymore. And like with my father, you know, he would repeat some stories and I’d heard them before.

I would pretend like I’d never heard them before.

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Ramona Torres: and that’s what you do. And so, yeah. 

Rayna Neises: Well, that’s so important. And I agree. It causes us to be more intentional and in the middle of caregiving sometimes it can be hard to remember that because there are so many things to do and so many people that need us. But it’s one of those things that we can really learn, to be intentional and to think about what’s most important and to let the things that aren’t go, that’s the things you’re not gonna worry about later, and you’re gonna be so thankful you have the things that you have focused on and that you know that are important to you. So what would be one last thing that you would like to share with other caregivers?

Ramona Torres: Oh, goodness gracious. I would say the importance [00:18:00] of, setting boundaries. I didn’t do that with, um. when I was taking care of my dad, I was working and financially we could afford for me not to work. I felt like, I had to be there at work, which I know someone else could have done the job right. To set boundaries, that’s one thing I didn’t do when I was taking care of my dad. Besides boundaries, the importance of getting rest, the importance of asking for help, getting other people to help delegating task, not feeling like you have to do this by yourself.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. So important. Boundaries are hard. I think they’re hard to see. They’re hard for us, especially with caring hearts. We just want to be able to do everything for everyone. And I think it’s funny when you said that somebody else could do my job, we always think we’re irreplaceable, don’t we? And the sad thing is once we aren’t in our job anymore, somebody does take care of it, but nobody else can be the daughter, nobody else can provide the [00:19:00] same kind of care and relationship that you do with your loved ones. So it is so important to really, again, that’s the intentional piece, to really be able to step back and say, this is the most important thing right now. And I’m always encouraging us as caregivers to realize that this will not go on forever.

And so there is an after in your caregiving and that after has plenty of time and space for you to do the things that maybe you don’t have a chance to do while you’re caregiving.

Ramona Torres: Yes, absolutely. And then the other thing is, it’s okay, to grieve the loss of your loved one. I was able after three weeks of not wanting to do anything, not wanting to go anywhere, just sitting in my family room and just really, mourning the loss of my dad. There’s a program called Grief Share, and I’m sure you probably heard of it.

Rayna Neises: Yes.

Ramona Torres: at my local church, I went to Grief Share and I think the first three classes, I sat there and just cried and the girls were so sweet. They put, a box of Kleenex [00:20:00] in front of me and allowed me to cry. I didn’t have to say anything. And then, um, I. I think after the third visit I finally opened up and was able to share, there was one woman who had lost her husband. Her father-in-law and I think her dad all back to back. And I, my goodness, you know, sometimes you think you have it bad and there’s somebody that has it worse. We were able to just share and love each other and encourage each other and just be there for each other.

And it was one of the greatest, classes, or programs that I’ve ever been part of. And so I highly suggest and recommend that in fact, I facilitate a class of grief share at our local jail as well. Because there’s all types of grief, right? And so, um, yeah. And so

Rayna Neises: that’s great.

Ramona Torres: mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises: Yes. I thank you for that encouragement. ’cause, Grief Share is one that I recommend over and over again to people that I work with because it is such a powerful group of people come together and they just meet the need in that moment. [00:21:00] And so it’s definitely such a blessing and I’m glad that you’re able to give back, even as we are always learning how to live this life without our loved one. It’s not something that we really figure out. It’s ongoing learning, right? But it’s still an opportunity to then share that compassion with others and to encourage them to take the next step. And that’s pretty much all we can do.

Ramona Torres: Yes, absolutely.

Rayna Neises: Well, Ramona, thank you so much for joining us on A Season of Caring Podcast today and just sharing your story of caring for your dad and what a blessing he was to you and to so many others. We love to be able to learn about him.

Ramona Torres: Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. 

Rayna Neises: And listeners, thank you for joining us today for Stories of Hope from Ramona. A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation