[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome to A Season of Caring Podcast where there’s hope for living, loving and caring without regrets. We share stories of hope for family caregivers to encourage them to find God even in the depths of caregiving. This is Rayna’ Neises as your host, and today we have a little different format. I’m going to just share with you how I found to live content, love well, and care without regrets. Thank you so much for joining me today. You might notice I don’t have a guest. I’m running low on guests, so be sure if you haven’t shared your story with us at A Season of Caring Podcast to in touch with me, Rayna@aseasonofcaring.com, and let’s talk about you sharing your stories of hope.

[00:00:43] So today I thought about what I would say was most impactful for me during my caregiving season in learning how to live content, love well, and care without regrets. I would say one of the things that I found to be most impactful was reflection.

[00:01:01] Now, I’m not sure what comes to mind when you think about reflection, but reflection is just as simple as stopping to think back and to think about a situation and really maybe even remove yourself from that situation and just observe. One of the things I love about coaching is that I’ve learned to ask questions, both of myself and those around me.

[00:01:23] So learning to observe the situation and ask questions about what’s happening. The importance of this showed over and over again during my caregiving season. It wasn’t just about looking back, but it was about understanding the experience, the feelings, and even the reaction in that situation.

[00:01:43] And once you’ve done that, then you can get an action plan to move forward. What can you do differently in order for the situation to end differently? And I think as a caregiver, we are having to do that all the time. So many times we’re reacting in the moment and we’re, we’re learning to do that well, but sometimes.

[00:02:02] Ugh, we aren’t right. Sometimes we aren’t reacting well because we don’t have the time to stop and really think about it. So that’s where the habit of reflection can make such a big difference, because though it might not have changed that experience, it can change the experiences in the future. As you know, I took care of my dad who had Alzheimer’s disease, and one of the things about caring for somebody with Alzheimer’s is.

[00:02:26] Frankly, it is different all the time. Something that worked yesterday might not work today, but if we don’t continue to try to find new things, we don’t find different responses. So learning how to make that adjustment after the reflection can be so important, and that can bring. Really meaningful change in action and attitude.

[00:02:49] So when I think about living contentedly, I definitely think about taking the time to reflect. Now for me, I drove home almost four hours each weekend after caring for my dad. That was a lot of time and I found myself falling into this habit of asking myself questions about the weekend. How was I. How was I feeling?

[00:03:11] What went well? What didn’t go well? What did I need for things to go well? And then I would ask questions like, how was dad? What did he need? What things needed to be different, or what things needed to be continued to do because they worked well. Now these conversations with myself and the Lord, they really were crucial to living content.

[00:03:31] Even in the middle of the hard one weekend, I’d had a conversation with one of the caregivers. Again about how hard it was to deal with dad and his son Downing. To be honest with you, I didn’t have a lot of trouble with that, and I wasn’t sure why. What was different about how I interacted with him and what she was experiencing, and really, I was baffled why she was struggling so much with this.

[00:03:57] And as I prayed and I thought about my time with dad anytime I did find him wanting to leave, I had to stop and think about. How did I handle that? What? What did I do? Well, number one, I left. If Dad wanted to go, we went, and that was something I shared with all the caregivers. I jokingly say it’s hilarious, but ice cream can solve a lot of problems.

[00:04:20] So just jumping in the car and driving to McDonald’s and getting a little cup of ice cream and coming back home seemed to really help stop that. But as I stopped to think about it, I thought, what is happening before he wants to leave? Why is he wanting to leave? And one of the things that I thought about was.

[00:04:38] He always wore a baseball cap when he was leaving and that baseball cap sat on the back of the couch, and some of the times when he was wanting to leave and it wasn’t time to leave, it might be late at night and he wasn’t wanting to go to bed, he would see that ball cap and put it on his head and be ready to leave.

[00:04:56] And I realized that that ball cap was a trigger. I am leaving. When I put my hat on, I’m going. And so we then looked at that and said, Hey, let’s take the ball cap out of visual site and let’s just use it to get him out the door when he needs it. So we ended up hanging the ball cap downstairs right outside the door so that when it was time to leave, we could grab that cap and hand it to him and he knew we’re gonna put the coat on and we’re gonna go out the door if it was winter time.

[00:05:25] So just removing that trigger, can make such a big difference. I can remember a couple Saturdays that we had been somewhere, we’re coming home, and then we were gonna leave again a little bit later, and I took the ball cap and put it on the back of the chair while he was napping. And he woke up and I wasn’t in that room, and he had the ball cap on when he came out of the room and he was leaving and I was like, oh, I blew it.

[00:05:49] And so those were the times that I remembered that this really is something that triggers him to leave. So only through reflection and really thinking about and problem solving what was happening was I able to then take a different step and take a different action. So thinking about reflect. Can make such a big difference if you stop and think about a situation that’s not going well and reflect on that situation, how you handled it, how the person you’re caring for handled it, but taking that step backwards and saying, Hmm, what else was happening? What led up to that? Really being able to consider those things and how that’s setting him up for success or for that struggle that you found with the sundowning. I also noticed that I had changed our routine and I had. adjusted the time that we went to visit his sister to later in the evening, because I found if during the typical sundowning time we were actually returning home, he seemed to feel better and have less of that desire to excuse escape than he had if we were at home during that period of time. I noticed that because when I went to pick him up from the day stay, we got home and we really never had those struggles of him wanting to leave after we arrived home. So when I was having difficulty on Saturdays, I realized, well, why don’t I just change the schedule and see if that fixes anything?

[00:07:21] So again, through those reflective times of really thinking about. What happened? How did I feel? How did I handle it, and how was he feeling and how can I handle it differently? Really did help to make a big impact. So when I think about reflection in that way, I can see what an important skill it was in my caregiving.

[00:07:44] Reflection can also help us to be more appreciative of what we had, not only just learning from our challenges, but also it can help us to recognize our growth in our journeys. As I reflected throughout the four and a half years of caring for my dad, I found how much I had learned to live in his reality and to encourage him in what he was feeling and not try to argue with him or redirect him.

[00:08:10] With my ability and my desire to reflect, I found that I was doing well at times. I. And other times I found I wasn’t, and I had to step back and really think about what was happening that might’ve been causing me not to be doing well. Some of those things were not getting enough rest. It was really easy to put Dad to bed early.

[00:08:33] I’m a night owl. And I would stay up and not really pay attention to what time it was, whether it be working on projects or even crafting. Just using that quiet time to do things that I enjoyed. And then I would find myself not getting to bed very early, but having to be aware of him at night while he was sleeping, or get up with him early if he happened to do that.

[00:08:54] Or even just get up each day and unlock the door for the caregivers to be able to come in at 7:00 AM So I learned that I needed to keep a little stricter routine as I reflected and realized that it wasn’t good for me to enjoy that extra time too much, that I really needed to be disciplined and have a bedtime just like I did, when I was working or doing other things.

[00:09:16] So really thinking about how I was being impacted, made a big difference as well. By reflecting and seeing, how was I and what did I need? I sometimes needed to be more disciplined in my own schedule. I sometimes found that, I needed more fun in my life. And so I would make an appointment with a friend to go out to lunch or go for a walk and just be able to crack jokes and enjoy that time with someone else. Not talking about caregiving, not thinking about, what was going on in that part of my life.

[00:09:48] So really reflection can help us in so many different ways. I often was so thankful for the opportunities while I was reflecting. I would think of the funny times that we had together and enjoy those memories with my dad and just kind of re relive them a little bit so that I would remember them.

[00:10:06] Life can go by so fast and the routines of caregiving can make us not notice all the things that we have to be thankful for. So I would challenge you to think about in your reflection, what, you have to be thankful for what.

[00:10:21] Challenges you’re facing and how you can change those, but also recognize your growth. Look at the journey where you started, when you were caregiving, what you knew, how much you’ve learned, how far you’ve come in, being able to handle the situations that caregiving throws your way. I would really encourage you to set aside a really specific time to reflect.

[00:10:43] Some people are journaler and they love to do that. Some people don’t enjoy journaling at all. To me, the most important thing is finding what works for you. And scheduling that time. So one of the tips as a coach that I can share with you is connecting a new behavior with one that you already do on autopilot.

[00:11:04] So if you already brush your teeth every night, you can change that to brushing your teeth and reflecting. What can I be thankful for today? What went well today? What might I need to do different tomorrow? Those simple questions that you ask yourself while you’re brushing your teeth might be really helpful. You might then turn around and jot those down on a piece of paper. It doesn’t have to be a big, long thing, but it might be something for you to be able to refer back to if you’re reading your Bible and you’re in that disciplined place of reading your Bible daily, praying at that time, you might just turn reflection into one more step. In that prayer, taking the time to go ahead and jot down and reflect on how your caregiving is going, how your life is going, what things are going well. Quiet and contemplation is so important. Having that quiet space that you don’t have people pulling on you, you don’t have other things going on at the same time, will really make a difference you’re able to engage in this new habit. Really, it’s a practice that can lead to a deeper sense of contentment, and so finding a way to implement that into your life can make such a great difference. 

[00:12:12] And remember, reflection doesn’t have to be this big, long thing. It can be the same three or four questions you ask yourself each day. Just focusing on the recent experience and the feelings that you had with those experiences can make such an impact. Again, some of the questions that I ask myself were just simple questions.

[00:12:32] How am I, I think we don’t stop and ask ourself that question often enough. We’re busy doing one thing or the next. We don’t even stop to consider, I’m tired. I really don’t feel well. I’m angry, I’m frustrated. Those feelings need to be identified so that we can start to process through them. What lesson did I learn from this challenging situation and how I faced it?

[00:12:55] Simple questions that don’t have to be a lot, but just will help you to stop and really gain some new knowledge about what’s happening. It’s really important, to stay non-judgmental, to just remove yourself from it. Don’t worry about it. If you blew it, don’t worry about it. If you said something and you wished you had said it a different way, the key is to really think about what happens and understand it, not criticize it. So really finding the way to remove yourself from that situation will make reflection so much easier and way more beneficial. So once you’ve had that reflection time, it’s important to then benefit from it by making an adjustment, whether it’s changing how you respond to the stress, improving the relationships so that you’re able to respond differently or setting new goals in what you’re doing.

[00:13:46] Taking the time to make those adjustments will make reflection the most important. Some examples of small adjustments. That can make a significant impact on your sense of contentment and fulfillment. Just being able to, spend the time for yourself. Have the quiet. Spend the time praying and asking the Lord to help you to see those things.

[00:14:07] Adjusting your expectations, adapting, bringing in new coping strategies, trying something different when it didn’t work, and then really making sure that you’re prioritizing time for what really matters to you. Embracing the situation and making those adjustments it really is the most positive and necessary part of growth in your contentment. So really continuing the cycle of reflection and adjustment is such an important tool for you as a caregiver. We wanna make sure that we’re taking time to reflect, and then adjust our ongoing processes that can lead to more contentment and regret free living.

[00:14:46] You wanna view your challenges and changes as opportunities for growth and for making your life more of what you want it to be.

[00:14:55] I started the practice of talking to myself as I drove home when I was upset and I needed to decompress, but I found it to be helpful. Even when things were going well, it made me more aware and that awareness brought gratitude and action steps to improve even more. I would love for you to share with me how you find reflection to be helpful.

[00:15:14] I’ve created a five day devotional Reflective and Gratitude Hearts Grow Hope Hope it’s just on scripture and reflective questionings to kind of start getting you moving in that direction. I would love for you to download that free resource at season of caring.com/reflect.

[00:15:31] Thank you so much for joining me today. I would love to hear your thoughts on a solo podcast and if there’s other content you would like me to provide for you as a caregiver. And remember to reach out if you would like to share your Stories of Hope on A Season of Caring Podcast.

[00:15:47] And remember, A Season of Caring Podcast has been created to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation