[00:00:01] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life to see God even in this season. I’m excited to introduce you to our special guest today, Lani Almanza. Lani was born and raised on the wind side of Oahu in Hawaii.

[00:00:23] She has experience as a wife, mother, and grandmother, as well as a teacher, trainer, and facilitator in education, business, and nonprofit environments. Lani holds a Master’s Degree in Communication from the University of Hawaii at Manoa and worked with the American Cancer Society for 15 years in various leadership roles related to health, communication and community engagement. After retiring, she founded, Alakai Associates, which focuses on guiding others towards more active lives in health and wellness. Lani is a contributing editor for the online magazine Givers Guide, which supports the nonprofit organization, gimme A Break for which she also volunteers to COO. facilitates wellness retreats and workshops to community groups. And most recently published her book Under a Full Moon and a Guiding Star. Welcome Lani. It’s so good to have you here today.

[00:01:18] Lani Almanza: Thank you so much for having me.

[00:01:20] Rayna Neises: So tell us a little bit about your caregiving seasons. I know yours is stretched a long time with a couple of different needs in there. So tell us about it.

[00:01:29] Lani Almanza: Yes. Actually it was when I was writing my book that I realized my caregiving journey has had many seasons. Starting from when I was a child, I was the oldest of four so by the time I was 10, I was babysitting, caregiving for my siblings. Then in my early twenties became a wife and mother and so a different caregiving role and season there.

[00:01:55] My biggest caregiving experience came when my youngest was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 19 and through his transition until he passed at 22. And then a new season came upon me with caregiving with both my parents. My father had Parkinson’s and my mother had dementia.

[00:02:12] And my latest caregiving experience actually two one is working with the nonprofit that you mentioned. Gimme’ a break. Laniwhose mission is to care for caregivers, providing education, support, and resources. And then most recently, a new season of caregiving, a very joyful one, actually, with my youngest grandchildren, four and 16 months.

[00:02:33] Rayna Neises: I love that you have learned to see all of those roles as caregivers, because I think that is such an important thing. We often kind of put that label aside, but when we learn to embrace the label, we also learn to embrace How important it’s to take care of ourselves during, during caregiving. But I would imagine definitely that time of taking care of your youngest son was probably the most difficult caregiving in that short period of time that you had helping him to transition. But at the same time, I’m sure it felt like so much was going on all the time. It time was probably hard to even

[00:03:10] Lani Almanza: Yeah. I was actually, just finishing my master’s program when he was diagnosed. So I had to make a decision about whether to continue doing that. And I was already in my forties and knew that if I didn’t finish and at the time I had a great scholarship offering that if I didn’t finish it, I wasn’t going to do that. So was then working full time, going to school full time and in that caregiving journey.

[00:03:39] Rayna Neises: Wow.

[00:03:40] Lani Almanza: and realized at that point that I really needed to focus on finding tools for self care so that I could survive that journey, that season. And some of were things that sort of intuitively I came to understand were part of my life. others I had to create themLani or research them and really start to employ them into my daily practice. And that was one thing that I really became aware of was that for many, most caregivers, the need for self care we often put off as a luxury and it’s a necessity. But also that it needs to simple daily things that we can incorporate that don’t take a lot of time, money, or resources because we don’t have those as caregivers. And yeah, so it was really creating those things that supported me that I could do every day.

[00:04:42] Rayna Neises: And then as you incorporated those things, then as you ran into that later season where you’re looking dementia and Parkinson’s, those are both really difficult journeys of walking them all the way home? Did that change for you, what your self care needed to look like, or did you find the same tools were helpful?

[00:05:00] Lani Almanza: II found that the foundation that I had createdLani for myself was really critical to continuing to walk that caregiving journey. While it looks different for each person you care for each season that you’re having that foundation really can be supportive. but certainly with my parents that care had a different feeling, obviously, versus being a mother caring for your child, caring for and then being the one that was given power of attorney to make medical decisions and financial decisions. That’s a very different journey than maybe caring for someone who’s just sick or ill or, you know, has a disability. So those final decisions one of the biggest lessons that I learned from my son Jacob and then through my parents journey was the art of letting go. And that so many things that we accumulate in our life journey really just becomes stuff when you’re in that sort of critical space of caregiving.

[00:06:20] Rayna Neises: Letting go can be so challenging, even when we’re just looking at letting go of our expectations, what we expected it to look like, what we thought it was going to be just all those dreams to some degree that we had, or ideas of what it was going to look like to walk someone all the way home. I think those are difficult to let go of. And sometimes just because we haven’t even identified that’s part of what’s causing this emotional turmoil is that we have an expectation that’s not realistic.

[00:06:51] Lani Almanza: Yeah. Yeah. And that, that was a big lesson in my grief process for Jacob and my parents understanding that what we are grieving is those unfulfilled expectations and dreams. because we still have the memories of their presence while we had them. But what we really grieve is not having those dreams and expectations fulfilled.

[00:07:20] Rayna Neises: Definitely. And it’s tough to do, but it definitely is important to start identifying those things and to be able to work through that process

[00:07:27] Lani Almanza: yeah. So it was just having those conversations. I tell people to try and have them earlier rather than later because if you wait until you’re in those crisis moments there’s so much more emotion that gets in the way of making the right choices.

[00:07:44] Rayna Neises: For sure. I agree. Yeah.

[00:07:47] I know you’re enjoying my conversation with Lani. Today’s episode has been brought to you by Resilience Feeds Hope a workshop that I did at an Alzheimer’s conference. A couple of years ago, that’s available now to you for a really reasonable price to be able to watch this hour long conference. And receive a workbook that will help you to build your resilience. In this increasingly demanding world. The role of caregiving is becoming more crucial than ever. Balancing the responsibilities are taking care of others while also maintaining your personal wellbeing is challenging. And that’s why building resilience is of the utmost importance. Resilience is defined as the ability to bounce back from adversity. And it is a critical skill for caregivers to develop. It helps us to navigate the physical, emotional, and psychological demands associated with our role of caregiving.

[00:08:42] I was honored to be able to share three tools that help caregivers reinforce their resilience and feed hope. Visit a season of caring.com/resilience to purchase this workshop in the convenience of your own home and your own timing. If you would like to use the discount podcast for 20% off, I would love for you to be able to take advantage of this great information and implement these tools in building your resilience even in the middle of your caregiving season.

[00:09:12] Now let’s jump back into my conversation with Lani.

[00:09:17] So what is one thing that surprised you about caregiving?

[00:09:25] Lani Almanza: I think it was the fact that I don’t know if it was a surprise or a learning process that with each person and each season, we have a different way of caregiving. so, you know, when you, you think, okay, I’ve got this mastered now I’ve gone through this big experience, caregiving experience with my son and I’ve, I’ve mastered this. like we were saying, it’s. with parents or someone else even with a friend, it’s different because that relationship is different. And so learning how to walk that caregiving journey in a different way on a different path.like I I said, it wasn’t necessarily a surprise, but it’s sort of an aha moment is like, okay, some of those tools are very useful to carry over to the experience, but sometimes I have to find new tools or resources.

[00:10:16] Rayna Neises: That was exactly what came to mind when you said that is I almost imagined that backpack that we have withwith the tools is s like, okay, I’m pulling this one out. Oh, that doesn’t work. You know? Really being aware that there are some really good tools in here, but in this season, we’re just going to leave them in the backpack.

[00:10:32] They’re not going to work out so well. And I find, when I talk to people as I’m coaching them and talking through relationship, you mentioned that is so key. Sometimes just the relationship with your parents, it’s a long term relationship. There can be a lot of hurt. There can be a lot Just challenges that you’ve had through the years and really finding peace in that relationship and really being able to talk through those things and be open to this person that you’re caring for right now because they probably aren’t the same person.

[00:11:03] You’re not the same person you were and they’re not the same person they were. And so being open to that relationship and building that new relationship can help a lot, but it can definitely be challenging, especially like you said, because I think we get to a place where we think. Okay, I got this. It’s going well or I can do this. It’s no big deal. And then it’s like, oh, well, okay

[00:11:24] Lani Almanza: Yeah. And I think especially with my parents, with my dad’s Parkinson’s then became Parkinson’s related dementia, my mom’s Alzheimer’s. And so they’re not the same parents that I grew up with or even through my adulthood. And so really one of my favorite things now is to tell people to allow space for grace Things may not be as you expected or turn out as you expected, but just allow space for grace. And sometimes taking that step back is like, okay, it’s not what I thought it was going to be. Maybe not even how should be. But I have to put grace in this space so that I can move through it. Yeah.

[00:12:14] Rayna Neises: Every year the Lord usually lays one word on my heart and He gave me the word grace during my caregiving season for my dad. And at that time I really felt like that was going to be about grace for the people that were working on our team because there were so many of us on the team and so many different personalities and who thought what was important. It just, it took a lot of grace and it was like, I want to lead with grace. And as the year progressed, God was like, you know, I want you to have grace for yourself too. Because you need to extend that to yourself, you’re not perfect. You’re not going to be perfect in this situation. So you need to give yourself grace.

[00:12:47] This is hard. And I think sometimes just remembering through it all that we need grace for all of this, but definitely. important So share with us some time when God showed up for you in your caregiving.

[00:13:06] Lani Almanza: The first one that I remember I want to say that in my caregiving journey throughout my life I realized actually when I was writing my book that there was kind of two Two periods or two seasons. One was the doing the being the wife, the mother working full time, going to school, all the doing stuff, and then after Jacob’s experience or that, that journey there was a transformation into being, into being, and to being present and recognizing the importance of that. I think that’s where I sort of became much more attuned to the fact that we’re not human beings having a spiritual experience. We’re spiritual beings having a human experience.

[00:13:56] And so my, my view God really grew and one of the first memories I have of that really showing up was actually when Jacob was five, he was hit by a car in front of our house. And as I ran out the door to him, a neighbor stopped me, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, breathe. And At the time, I didn’t realize how important that message was, but it stuck in my head and through the journey with Jacob, I became much more aware of how powerful our breath is as a tool and that breath is the breath of our creator and that it’s always with us, but oftentimes we go through our daily lives.

[00:14:54] Breathing automatically and don’t really pay attention to that. so when I dove deep into my breath and understanding how important it is for us physically, emotionally, and spiritually, that really became my connection.

[00:15:11] Rayna Neises: The old Testament word for God was Yahweh. And we say it with vowels, but it actually is without vowels. Whenever He gave it to Moses, we say Yahweh, but it’s actually the N word. And the outward breath. And it’s really, God breathed life into us when he created us. And it’s beautiful when we really stop to think about, and I’ve always been fascinated by how much power, just learning to breathe and how hard it is to do, but how we can reset our brain and we can, really, Take moments and change the direction that we’re going when we stop to take those deep breaths. I often say in caregiving, we need to stop, breathe, pray and then act because that breath and that prayer changes our actions.

[00:15:57] Lani Almanza: And to me, that breath became my prayer in fact, in, in HawaiianLani the word for breath is ha, H A. And It really is so critical in the culture that when you meet someone. You have this exchange of breath that, beyond a handshake or even verbal it’sLani forehead to forehead so that you exchange breaths that you become part of each other. And so yeah, the power of breath has just been very foundational and fundamental to my Caregiving journey, my daily life, my self-care.

[00:16:41] Rayna Neises: Yeah. What is one thing that helps you to live content, love, well and care without regrets?

[00:16:49] Lani Almanza: Hmm. This is another big lessonLani to live in gratitude and abundance. Another thing that we forget to do is to stop and be grateful, even in the hard times, to find the things that we’re grateful for. And I keep a gratitude journal that I do at the end of the day. Laniand I, when I’m working with caregivers, I say, sometimes I know from my experience that trying to find something to be grateful for can be hard.

[00:17:18] Rayna Neises: You have to look pretty hard sometimes.

[00:17:20] Lani Almanza: so some, sometimes it’s the fact that the day’s over, I got to take a hot shower and I have a great comfortable bed to sleep in. Three things that, that exhale at the end of the day but creating that practice of gratitude. Again, became one of the foundations of my self careLani and thriving through caregiving.

[00:17:49] It really does make such a difference in how we receive everything in life when we’re looking for the things to be grateful for, because there’s always going to be the challenges. They’re always going to be there, but it seems like when we only focus on the challenges, that’s all we see. But when we learn to focus on all the blessings as well, the joy is there in the middle of it. We just have to see it and gratitude definitely helps us to move into that focus. and see more of it. It’s all there all the time, whether we notice it not. But when really see it, it does change everything. So

[00:18:20] And it can, it can be, like you said, it, it’s hard to find it sometimes. And so I work with people on, you know, how do you start? Where do you find those things? The three things at the end of the dayLani or I say, if you’re really stuck, start with the alphabet. ABC. And just write down the first word that you attach to those letters.

[00:18:42] And if it’s apples, bananas, and cherries, you’re gonna write that down and then you’re gonna think, well that sounds kind of silly. But, why did I put apples? Well, I like green apples more than red apples because it reminds me of making apple crisp with my mom. Bananas. I really don’t like the kind of store bought bananas because growing up in Hawaii, we have what we call an apple banana.

[00:19:06] It’s a little sweeter, smaller, sweeter banana. So, you know, life is sweet with those little bananas and then cherries. It’s like. Well, I, first of all, I love Rainier Cherries from the Northwest. So whenever I’m up there in that season, it’s like, cause they’re so expensive here, it’s like, oh my gosh. but other is I have a nice little cherry tree in my backyard that my grandchildren have grown up being able to climb. So, simple things that just starting with the alphabet can start to bring up those. memories or connections of things that you are grateful for.

[00:19:47] Rayna Neises: I like that. It’s a simple tool, but there’s a reason why those words pop into your head and you will connect those things to things of meaning. So that’s a great suggestion. Thank you for that, Lani. What’s one thing that you would like to really share with caregivers to encourage them in their caregiving season?

[00:20:03] Lani Almanza: I think one of the biggest lessons, and I talk about this all the time when I’m doing workshops with caregivers and even others is asking for help, sharing the load We want to show that we’re strong enough to get through this and we can do it. And oftentimes the way that we picture doing it. is the only right way. And also we feel like we don’t want to burden someone by asking for help. But there’s people waiting for you to ask and what they need is for you to tell them specifically what it is that you need so that they can evaluate whether they’re capable, able to assist you. Oftentimes we, we throw out the ask for help and then nobody responds, because we weren’t specific enough for them to determine if it’s something they could really do for you. So ask for help and then be specific about what you need. And then once you receive that help, don’t forget to be grateful and offer thanks and gratitude. Because that’s where the reciprocal cycle of giving and receiving takes place.

[00:21:20] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:21:20] Lani Almanza: Oftentimes, we forget to do that because we are in In such crisis motor, the burden is so great that once they offer the help, we’re moving on to the next thing. But we want those people who have offered help to know how much that’s appreciated.

[00:21:38] the other thing I tell people is to create your lifeboat and the people in your lifeboat. If you picture your lifeboats, they only can fit so many people. And there’s a reason for that. So you don’t flip over or sink. So be very particular about who you put in your lifeboat because if you fall over, you want those people to be the ones that are going to throw you the rescue ring. So think of who those people are that are in your lifeboat and don’t assume that they know that they’re in your lifeboat. Let them know that, that they’re, that you’re very special because you’re in my lifeboat. Oftentimes if you put them in your lifeboat, they probably have you in theirs. And so knowing that you have that support system is very important to not just caregiving, but to having a longer, healthier life.

[00:22:36] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah. One of the things that I mentioned to caregivers too, is I think oftentimes when we’re in public, when we’re around other people, we look pretty put together because they’re not in the trenches with us. They’re not in the moment and we can look pretty darn with it. And so, you know, they’re thinking, well, they’re handling it, they don’t need help.

[00:22:56] And so that offer, it doesn’t often come because you look like you’re doing okay. And, the little picture of the duck on the water, the top is floating along looking good and the bottom, they’re just peddling like crazy, right? So we need to let people see sometimes the struggle that’s happening. And like you said, by being specific in the ask allows people to decide whether or not they have the bandwidth. Right now to be able to meet that need or not. And that’s okay. It’s just an ask. And I always say you can say no. People can people have the ability to say no. So just because you’re asked doesn’t

[00:23:30] Lani Almanza: Yeah. And oftentimes,

[00:23:31] Rayna Neises: to

[00:23:32] Lani Almanza: yeah. And don’t have the expectation that if you ask, the answer is yes, hello that allow, allow people to have that decision. based on what the need is.

[00:23:43] Rayna Neises: Definitely. So an important to ask and specific. I love that. I think that is also really important because I know in my caregiving season, I had to be really protective of the time that I had. I was away from my family for half of the week. So when I was home, I needed to make sure I had what I needed to give to them because I was only there half the time.

[00:24:04] And so I was protective of that time, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t do something for someone. But if I didn’t understand the ask. I probably said, sorry, can’t do it right now. Just being able to be aware of how specific you are and who you’re asking. I love that. It’s really important.

[00:24:20] Lani Almanza: Well, and then on the other end is that no is a complete sentence. So understand for yourself and others, if they don’t offer an explanation, that’s okay. It’s just no. And that’s, you know, for yourself as well. It’s okay.

[00:24:40] Rayna Neises: Yeah, definitely. That means their feet under the water are going faster than you can see.

[00:24:46] Lani Almanza: Yeah.

[00:24:46] Rayna Neises: got to be willing to say no. Definitely. So Lani, tell us about your book and where my audience can find that.

[00:24:54] Lani Almanza: So the book, was inspired by my journey with Jacob primarily When I retired four years kind of had some other things in mind. I have a wellness business called Alakai Associates, where I help guide people through their wellness with resources and products that I have. There was a seed that was planted many, many years ago when I was finishing my master’s degreeLani going through Jacob’s journey, from a paper that I had about that time. And my professor said it would be the chapter of a book that I would write. And I kind of like, well, that’s a very nice compliment, but there’s a lot going on right now.

[00:25:27] I don’t see a book in my future. But in 2021, I was on a podcast with Gimme’ a Break, The Caring Caregiver Show that you’ve been on as well. And there was another author sharing her caregiving journey and the book that she wrote. And so I, I just, there was something about her energy that I connectedLani kind of like how I connected with you.

[00:25:48] And I reached out to her and I said, Miriam, I got your book. And one of the first things that struck me was that if you could write in your voice, I can write in mine.

[00:25:57] Rayna Neises: Yes.

[00:25:58] Lani Almanza: Laniand so then she connected me with her writing coach, which wonderful woman who’s so intuitive and got me through that process. It took a year of writing and and coaching and and going deeper than I thought I was going to have to go in some in some to have this book come out last summer Under a Full Moon and a Guiding Star. And it’s available Kindle, paperback and hardcover on Amazon or through my website, www.Alakaiassociates. com.

[00:26:25] Rayna Neises: It is amazing what comes out of our journeys. I I don’t like to be called an author because I don’t feel like I’m a very, very good writer, but I knew I had a story to share and I love that you as well knew that that story was in it and our voices are needed. There are many voices out there, but our voices are needed because they’re all different and every caregiver is walking a different journey every day.

[00:26:49] And so having those connections to other caregivers and hearing our stories. And I, okay. Even like to say our survivor stories, because as difficult as the season can be, sometimes it doesn’t feel like you’re going to survive it and we’re on the other side. And we’re saying you can survive it. You can grow. This can be full of blessing as well as the struggle. You just have to look at it in that way. Let us let us help you do that, you know, and so I love to that. We’re able to have our voices shared. So,

[00:27:18] Lani Almanza: People ask me, well, how’s the book going? And I I might not be making a million dollars, but I am making an impact. And for me, that’s so much more rewarding that when I hear stories of how my book has impacted somebody’s journey, that’s where it’s at.

[00:27:33] Rayna Neises: Yes. When you get that one email or that simple little message, it really does just encourage you. Our heart is for other caregivers and to encourage them and so just hearing a little bit that gives her that reciprocal relationship. So I love that. Well, Lani, thank you so much for joining us today. And I just really appreciate the opportunity to visit with you and learn a little bit more about your journey.

[00:27:56] Lani Almanza: Well, thank you so much for having me. One of my favorite sayings is helping one person might not change the world, but it could change the world for one person. So I hope we’ve done that today.

[00:28:05] Rayna Neises: Definitely. Thank you so much. Listeners, thank you for joining us today for stories of hope with Lani. A Season of Caring Podcast has been brought to you to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring with no regrets.

[00:28:18] If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation