[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life. To remind you to see God even in the middle of this season. Today, I’m excited to introduce you to our guest, Lizette Cloete. Lizette is a veteran occupational therapist turned dementia coach. She’s a pastor’s wife and a daughter of parents with dementia. With over 30 years in the field, Lizette has transitioned her expertise Into a specialized role as a Christian dementia coach.

[00:00:32] She has supported thousands of families through the journey from diagnosis to their final destination, her dual role as a professional and a personal caregiver to her own parents has radically changed her with a deep understanding of the complexities and challenges of dementia caregiving. In her approach, Lizette blends biblical principles with science based solutions to develop resilient, healthy, and happy caregivers. Her unique process not only aids in navigating the healthcare system, but also focuses on balancing personal health spiritual growth, and familial responsibilities.

[00:01:09] Welcome, Lizette. It’s so good to have you here today.

[00:01:11] Lizette Cloete: Well, thank you so very much for having me. I’m very excited about being here because I have been on many, many podcasts, but I’ve never had the privilege of being on a Christian podcast yet. So, this makes me extremely, extremely grateful and extremely happy to be here today.

[00:01:32] Rayna Neises: You know, I love the fact that we can just be honest about where our hope comes from, because I talk about hope all the time, and I cannot imagine Caregiving, much less dementia caregiving without the true hope of our Lord. So thank you. And I’m glad to have you here to start off by introducing us to your parents and what your caregiving role looks like with them right now.

[00:01:57] Lizette Cloete: So, I support my mom and my dad. My mother was in her early 40s when she had a massive aneurysm in South Africa. And, looking back, I was already an occupational therapy student. But young and dumb, you know, we’re, we’re, we’re young and dumb when we don’t know what we don’t know. My family turned into family caregivers at that time, but I had no recognition of the fact that we were actually family caregivers. Probably believe that’s because of my background as an occupational therapist. So I did a lot of rehab with my mom. I taught her to drive again. I was. focused on the whole therapy side of it. I was not focused on the whole family caregiver side of it. And so my mom is now 76 and is aging with cognitive impairment based off of that original stroke. She’s had another stroke. She has some cardio vascular issues. 

[00:02:58] So it’s, it’s probably an undiagnosed vascular dementia. And the reason I say it’s undiagnosed is I made the decision not to put her through the testing and the paces because I don’t need the diagnosis now because I can recognize it. But when my dad got super, super sick about two years ago this past December, tail end of COVID, made it through the whole COVID pandemic without getting sick. But at the tail end of COVID, he got COVID, ended up in the hospital. Was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I had noticed some cognitive changes before that, but the whole being ill, precipitated the whole thing. But with him in the hospital, all of a sudden I’m like, Ooh, Houston. Yes. You are now a family caregiver because dad’s no longer able to take care of mom and she needed for our assistance. But you know, his being sick. precipitated a whole bunch of testing and stuff and a final diagnosis about a year ago of mild cognitive impairment.

[00:04:07] Rayna Neises: And it’s such a good point. I think so many times whenever I talk to family caregivers, when they get around to talking to us, right? It’s taken something to make them realize that’s what I am. And again, I think I fell in that role myself, especially with my mom. We just did what needed to be done, right?

[00:04:24] With my dad, because mom wasn’t there to be the buffer and to be the one to Take care of so many of the things. Then it was definitely this, Oh, we’ve got to figure out how to take care of him. And so the caregiver role became a little bit more obvious to my sister and I, but I think so many times when the families together, when both parents are there, we really don’t realize how much one is doing for the other, even when there’s impairments on both ends.

[00:04:50] Right. That crisis is what kind of brought you to a different season of being able to step in in a different way. It sounds like he’s recovered and doing a little better, but we definitely have this progression in the memory loss.

[00:05:02] Lizette Cloete: Yes, for sure. We’ll know in the next couple of weeks exactly whether things are staying the same, have gotten better, or have gotten worse. So we’re, we’re just in a, in a holding pattern. He doesn’t drive anymore, which was the, the big, the big fight, but everything else, he’s still pretty independent, even though, you know, minor things start to happen.

[00:05:26] Things like, oh, you know, I lost the password for Hulu. How do I get back in Hulu? Or my cell phone isn’t working. Or now my messenger’s not working. You know, the computer stuff, the phone stuff, the higher level things, the TV remote. the stuff that drives everybody nuts.

[00:05:44] Rayna Neises: Everybody exactly. We all struggle with those sometimes, but the key is being able to figure it out versus losing that problem solving ability to do that. 

[00:05:53] So tell us a favorite caregiving story that you have

[00:05:58] Lizette Cloete: Oh, that’s really, that’s an interesting question. There’s so many but probably my most recent favorite caregiving story is kind of funny. It’s, it’s funny, but it’s not, but it is funny. I was taking my mom to the, Eye doctor. And I have gotten to the point her mobility is, is pretty limited. And so if it’s raining outside, I cancel the appointment, right?

[00:06:25] Because getting her in and out of the house is just too dangerous for her. And it’s too dangerous for me. And I know what I’m doing and I don’t want to get hurt. And so I, she had an, she had had an eye doctor appointment that I had already canceled and rescheduled because of the rain. And so the day of the appointment comes and it is now time to take her to the appointment.

[00:06:48] And we go, we get in the car. It’s literally around the corner from their house. They’re a little slower at the eye doctor than a lot of other practices. So the appointment took forever. And I just remember standing there trying to check out on that day. And I turn and I look out the window and I see the thunderstorm clouds just behind the tree line.

[00:07:16] And the eye doctor is literally on the same block as where my mom and dad live. So I’m, I’m like trying to get this woman to speed it up because I’m like, oh crud, I gotta get her home. And I could not get her to speed up. And I got my mom in the car there because there was an awning and it had just started to drip.

[00:07:36] And I’m like, okay, we, you know, it’s not raining yet. I’m going to get her in the house. So we get home, I pull up as close to the door as I can get. And I have an umbrella in the car and I get out of the car and it’s starting to rain a little bit more, but it wasn’t raining very hard yet. Come around the car and accidentally got myself locked out of the car.

[00:08:00] And then I’m standing outside. Trying to open the door, and it is pouring. Now it’s pouring. And it was, I, I just stood there, I was drenched, and My mom couldn’t figure out how to unlock the car, and I’m, Pushing the button and I can’t get it to unlock finally after, you know, it wasn’t even long. It was probably 30 seconds You know, I Run back to the car and get in the driver’s seat and I just sat there I was so wet.

[00:08:31] I looked like I had taken a shower And my dad’s peering out the door trying to open the door for us to get in And then he starts calling me on the phone. Why

[00:08:42] Rayna Neises: you doing?

[00:08:43] Lizette Cloete: not coming in I’m, like we will sit in the car until the rain is Done. And so we sat, we had to sit in the car about 20 minutes, you know, it was a pop up storm, but it poured.

[00:08:55] And so finally I get her inside. She is dry. All the way dry. And I looked like I had stepped out of a shower. So that’s probably my favorite story. I took a photo that day. It’s probably one of my favorite photos of me just like drenched. But I looked so happy at the same time because mom was dry. The

[00:09:21] Rayna Neises: Oh, those things like just as simple as being able to figure out how to get out of the car. It’s, it can be such a challenge and we have to do it with laughter. We have to be able to have that perspective because if not, we go crazy, right? I can just see your dad going, what are they doing?

[00:09:41] Actually, everyone in the neighborhood is trying to figure out what the world you’re doing 

[00:09:44] I know you’re enjoying my conversation with Lizette and just wait as you learn more about how she’s found mindsets impacts her caregiving, you’re going to find this really valuable. So make sure you stay tuned. This episode has been brought to you by my brand new book. Hope for a Caring Heart Journal. This is a short 80 page book, but it is designed for you as a caring heart at caregiver hearts. It’s been such a joy to be able to create this. It includes four things that I feel like are really impactful in helping you in your walk with the Lord through this caregiving season. The first is scripture. It is full of scriptures of hope. After the scripture it offers you a prayer to be able to just not have to think, but just really read those words and marinade on the little bit. The next section is just some really simple reflection questions. So just a few questions to ask you how you are to have you think a little bit more about how your heart is handling today. And then a section that allows you to record three things that you’re thankful for. Just simple and quick. The journal is designed for you to go through it three times so that you can see the recordings that you had from last month and from the month before that, or possibly, if you miss a few days, it can just let you know this was a little tough season and I was struggling a little more than I am right now. I know what it’s like as a caregiver, you don’t have a lot of time. So each piece is quick and to the point. Just offering you the opportunity to just really spend some time with the Lord. It is only available on my website at www.aseasonofcaring/caringheartjournal. And it’s $15. If you would like me to personalize it for you, just let me know that. And I would love to be able to get it sent out to you soon. And here is more with Lizette. Well, what would be one thing that surprised you most about caregiving?

[00:11:49] Lizette Cloete: one thing that surprised me the most about caregiving is probably how I never factored in to it how much your own mindset about being a caregiver actually impacts and changes your journey. I always kind of knew it a little bit in the sense of when I was working with families that were super overwhelmed and freaked out that they could that, that they weren’t thinking about the journey in the right way.

[00:12:26] But when I actually turned into the family caregiver, what I didn’t realize at the beginning, when, when my thoughts were going to the, oh woe is me, oh doom and gloom this is altering my life, things are not the same anymore, what do you mean I have to do this I don’t want to take them, you know, I don’t want to be a caregiver.

[00:12:49] You know, I didn’t sign up for, as long as my thoughts were going in that direction it was hard, it was terrible, it was overwhelming, it was stressful. But the day I decided I did not want to live like that anymore and really started to focus on, this is God’s providence, He’s a good and sovereign God this is for my good and for His glory, I will be equipped with everything that I need.

[00:13:14] Yes, it’s not going to be easy, but it can be easier. When I started focusing on God and what this was doing for my own sanctification, my whole life changed. Everything changed and it was legitimately just that decision and it is a decision you can decide whether or not to be a caregiver and if you decide not to be a caregiver, I’m not suggesting, abandon the people or don’t help them or whatever, but then you have to come up with a plan or a solution for them to be taken care of, but you do not have to be a caregiver.

[00:13:49] But if you choose to be a caregiver, you have to empower yourself from a Christian perspective to look towards what are the biblical principles of caregiving. How does this feed into my good and his glory? How do I still glorify God despite this journey? How do I live in such a way that people look at me and say, Oh yes, this has been difficult, but look, she doesn’t look like the world.

[00:14:21] Rayna Neises: It’s very powerful. And I think so true. I’m not sure. I’m always different. So for me, one of the things that was the most surprising literally was at my dad’s funeral. Someone came through, they were giving us hugs and they were just like, I’m just so impressed with how much you guys sacrificed in taking care of your dad. And honestly, I was a little offended. I was like, sacrifice? What do you mean? Now, mind you, I had driven 220 miles one way for four and a half years, every week for two and a half years, and every other week for at least two years. It, they’re sacrifices if you want to label them that way. But literally, I never looked at it through that lens.

[00:15:06] Lizette Cloete: But life is a series of sacrifices.

[00:15:09] Rayna Neises: yes. It is. And there’s always a trade off for what we choose to do. If we choose to financially spend money on a vacation, then we don’t have it to invest in our retirement. If we choose to use our energy to care for our parents, then we don’t have the energy or time maybe to do some of the other things that we’ve done.

[00:15:30] But it wasn’t to me, I just, it just never hit me as a sacrifice. It hit me as an opportunity to make my dad’s life the best it could be and to share moments with him I would never have gotten to share and to spend time. And I built a beautiful relationship with my sister that I didn’t have. There were so many things that were happening in the positive that I just never looked at the things.

[00:15:57] I don’t know. I didn’t dwell. I guess I just never looked at it in the word of sacrifice. I just knew that there were things I was missing out. Our youngest son was in high school at the time, so there were some things I couldn’t do, but there were a lot of things I still was able to do. Go to the Scholars Bowl, go to the other activities.

[00:16:12] But if it happened to fall on a weekend, I missed it. And so I do think it’s so powerful to have that perspective. It can be so difficult on your own to keep that perspective or to notice if you don’t have the right perspective or mindset. And that’s where coaching makes a night and day difference that listening and having a coach that can really help you, , can you see it in a different perspective, help you to be able to turn it around.

[00:16:41] Lizette Cloete: Can you reframe it? Can you look at, can you look for the opportunity? One of the reasons I started my business was because I was in a lot of four years ago when I started the business, I was in a lot of Facebook groups, huge, big, anonymous Facebook groups. And it was kind of a fly on the wall. And I was answering people’s questions and trying to bring value to them through my occupational therapy, expertise, and so on. And then I started to recognize that those huge big Facebook groups are extremely, extremely toxic. It, people feel very anonymous and so you’ll have a lot of the verbal vomit or the verbal just blah and talking about all of the bad stuff even though there might still be good stuff happening that’s not what goes out on those Facebook groups and then a lot of misinformation or not good stuff happening strategies and things like that. And so that was why I started my company because I want people to think about it differently. I don’t want people to just see the doom and gloom and woe is me. And, and you know, I, I, and that’s where the whole coaching component has come in because like, even today we did a coaching session and one of the members of my group coaching program was expressing.

[00:18:03] Some valid emotions and she can express her emotions, but then immediately afterwards we start to work on. What are the solutions? What are the strategies? How can we reframe this? What do you need to actively do to try to change where you are in this particular journey? Because otherwise it’s extremely, extremely difficult for people as long as people stay in that mindset. It doesn’t get better,

[00:18:34] Rayna Neises: When I started shifting my coaching because I’m a professional coach and so I was coaching before my caregiving season. After my caregiving season was over, I made that shift to supporting caregivers. But one of the things that stood out to me when I was looking in those same groups is how depressed and how unhealthy so many caregivers were.

[00:18:57] I just want to say, you don’t have to be, it doesn’t have to be that way. And I agree, that mindset is such an important piece of understanding. I can make changes, I can choose differently. And I can do what’s important to me, I can live by my values. I just can’t necessarily do everything I’ve always done before, and add this huge responsibility on top of it.

[00:19:19] We just have to learn to be responsible. Pick and choose what we’re going to do in this season, which is why I focus on seasons because seasons change and our, our parents or our loved ones won’t live forever and we won’t be in this season forever. And so I think that’s even a mindset that has to be there for people as well.

[00:19:36] So

[00:19:38] Lizette Cloete: you know, and I think you bring up a very good point because we we automatically do this when we are young and dumb and we have our first kid. Right. We do not do everything at that point in time that we had been doing. We don’t go out as much. We stay at home a little bit more. We have babysitters come in.

[00:20:01] We, we are catering towards that growing human, that baby and it radically changes your life, but you recognize in that season you are in a season. And even like when your kids are teenagers, right? You know, they’re getting ready to grow and flow, fly out of the house and you’re teaching them to drive and you’re driving them everywhere and they’ve got all these 45, 000 appointments that they’ve got to go to and all games here.

[00:20:29] Music lessons there and you’re, you’re not doing certain things at that period of time because that’s the season that you’re in, but we don’t see the same thing about caregiving. We don’t see that it is just a season, and yes, it’s something, like, unless the Lord comes tomorrow, all of us are going to die, you know, and, and the reality of the matter is, this is a season, my parents went through it when their parents passed away, their parents went through it when their parents passed away. It is just a, a period of time, and you will get that back and when you look at it from from an eternity perspective. My dad is not a believer. So This is this is the only way we can witness to him because we cannot have a conversation about this anymore We’ve had those conversations They’ve been very adversarial and so this is the only way that I know to show Christ’s love for me to my dad, is by serving him, and as long as he’s alive, I have hope that maybe God will convert him.

[00:21:38] If that doesn’t happen, I have peace. I, I’ve done what I can. He has heard the gospel. I’m a hundred percent sure. I know it to be a fact. So it, it, you know, it, it, it’s an opportunity to minister to other people in a different way

[00:21:55] Rayna Neises: Definitely. So true. And so important. I think that we look different so that people do look at us and say, why? Why are you different? Why are you handling this differently? So I know God’s always there, but I love for people to share a specific time when He showed himself in the middle of your caregiving.

[00:22:14] Lizette Cloete: in the middle of my caregiving. Ah, lots of little ways throughout the whole entire journey. Really working on my patience because my dad tries my patience. We are very similar, but very different. And my parents taught us as young people to think for ourselves. And now my, my dad hates that I don’t think the way he deos

[00:22:37] Rayna Neises: Yes.

[00:22:38] Lizette Cloete: So a lot of times I have to sit in the car and just reframe my mind before I go in there, and that’s where I see, that’s where I see Christ, walking alongside me and truly, you know, some days giving me an extra measure of Patience that I don’t automatically have, even though I do it imperfectly 

[00:23:05] Rayna Neises: Sure. We Definitely. all 

[00:23:07] do. Yeah,

[00:23:08] Lizette Cloete: and controlling anger.

[00:23:10] Anger is my default setting.

[00:23:13] Rayna Neises: I love that. One of the things I talk with my clients about is that pause, pray, and then move forward. And it’s a process of learning to do that and learning to realize I have to pause right here. Don’t react, but pause. Pray and then take that action. It’s so important to do that, but it definitely is something that can help us in every area of our life.

[00:23:35] But

[00:23:35] Lizette Cloete: Oh, for sure.

[00:23:36] Rayna Neises: it to the, to the top pretty quickly, doesn’t it?

[00:23:39] Lizette Cloete: Yes, it does.

[00:23:42] Rayna Neises: So what’s one thing that helps you to live content, love well, or care without regrets?

[00:23:47] Lizette Cloete: Absolute gratitude.

[00:23:49] Rayna Neises: Hmm.

[00:23:50] Lizette Cloete: Honestly, you know, if you cannot be grateful for what has been done for you already, I will look in the mirror and I will say to myself, because I know my dad’s an atheist, 100 percent have no shadow of it out. And I remember very clearly one year in Missouri, they were coming to visit us and, we had become Christians after we moved away. From South Africa to the United States. So my parents didn’t really understand that our lives had radically changed and we were not the same. And so a lot of times when they would come visit us, we would have a lot of conflict television programs and things that we didn’t do anymore.

[00:24:35] And I think my parents, my dad specifically really believed that we only kind of put on this show when they were here because they weren’t here 24 hours, you know, they, they lived in another country. And I remember standing in front of a mirror and looking at myself and saying to myself, you are no better than your dad there, but for the grace of God.

[00:24:55] And I am just eternally grateful. Like if, as long as I keep gratitude in front of me, I’ve downsized. I’ve sold everything. I live in a duplex. I live 10 minutes away from them. I have chosen all of those things gratefully in order to be able to be their primary caregiver and in order for me to start the business.

[00:25:17] And as long as I’m grateful and as long as I keep that as the, the sole focus of what, you know, I’m grateful for what Christ did for me. And as long as I keep that in mind, then. It doesn’t bother me.

[00:25:34] Rayna Neises: Gratitude is a practice that we definitely have to continue to work on and I think it can be so powerful , one of the powerful tools, we just don’t even realize how powerful it is when we put things in context of what Christ does for us. There is no sacrifice, right? There’s nothing that I’m doing on a daily basis that’s even close.

[00:25:54] And 

[00:25:55] Lizette Cloete: Exactly. 

[00:25:55] Rayna Neises: really, you know, being grateful helps us to do that over and over again. I also love the way that God made our brains and that when we noticed The things to be thankful for. Our brains look for those things even more. And so whether it just be the sun or the beautiful flowers or what little thing we start to look for, all of a sudden we find even more of them.

[00:26:17] I love how gratitude works and it is such a simple, yet powerful tool that makes all the difference for caregiving for sure.

[00:26:25] Lizette Cloete: Every single morning I write down five things I’m grateful for.

[00:26:30] Rayna Neises: It’s a great practice. Definitely.

[00:26:32] Lizette Cloete: it’s, it’s been mind blowingly, I never thought that it would make such a difference. Just that simple practice of writing them down.

[00:26:45] Rayna Neises: Yes, definitely. And I’ve used different kinds of journals too that allow you to cycle back through. And I love that to then be able to see it again, what I was thankful for last year at this time or whatever. And so I think that can be such a powerful tool too, that you’re writing them down. It’s really helping you to focus on them, but then also to be able to see how faithful God’s been, five years ago, what you were thankful for at that point, because it’s. Yeah. We think we won’t forget, but

[00:27:16] Lizette Cloete: We do. 

[00:27:18] Absolutely we do.

[00:27:21] Rayna Neises: So Lizette, tell us how our listeners can get in touch with you or be able to learn a little bit more about your resources.

[00:27:29] Lizette Cloete: There are two places that people can go. They can go to my website, which is ThinkDifferentDementia. com and there’s lots of information. I have a blog and a podcast on there myself and then my podcast at Dementia Caregiving for Families because dementia caregiving is a family affair. It’s not just a one person affair. So dementia caregiving for families. Those are the two biggest places. I think people, I have a warped sense of humor. At least they’ll get to know my sense of humor by listening to the podcast.

[00:28:03] Rayna Neises: That’s great. Well, I’m so thankful for your time today and just for the wonderful wisdom that you’ve shared and thank you for, for just joining us.

[00:28:14] Lizette Cloete: Thank you for having me. I’m so excited to be here.

[00:28:18] Rayna Neises: Thank You listeners for joining us today for Stories of Hope with Lizette. And remember that if you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.